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Dating in
itself is a very personal and sophisticated matter. Any
advice can hardly be appropriate here. According to Lynne,
an American living in Germany, " ... if there's any genuine
connection between two people, it'll survive whatever
differences may arise in the early stages of dating, and if
those differences seem too overwhelming and/or the
relationship doesn't survive for other reasons, trying to
make too many adaptations in the early stages is NOT going
to help! The most that any such "advice" can normally do is
perhaps to spare an occasional bruised feeling that might
result from a minor misunderstanding. And where German and
American cultures are concerned, the potential for
culturally-based misunderstandings is relatively negligible,
so if two people aren't open-minded enough to try to work
through such insignificant differences, the relationship
doesn't stand a snowflake's chance in hell of surviving
anyway."
©
However for
most people whose sweetheart is German, a foreigner, there
are plenty of cultural nuances and minor difficulties
resulting sometimes in an alienation. Why not try to avoid
it? Let's listen again to Lynne, the expert in human
relations in general and in relations with a German man in
particular. Being an American, she has unique experience of
successful dating and communicating with a German. Here are
her practical recommendations and advice for American women
dating German men (can be vice-versa: for American men
dating German women):
©
For the most
part, you don't need to worry particularly about any major
differences, mostly because gender roles here aren't
significantly different from what they are in the States.
For the most part, you can treat him pretty much like you
would almost any American man. For example, if you're the
old-fashioned type, he's quite unlikely to complain if you
expect him to pay for most of the dates; he'll probably
half-expect it. But if you happen to be a supporter of
women's rights (and the responsibilities that go along with
that), feel free to pay for the dates sometimes or half the
time. It might surprise him a bit, but he will most likely
appreciate it, especially if he's on the pitifully low
budget that most students are on. He'll probably try to pay
the bill anyway, as Germans often fight each other for the
"privilege" of paying the bills, but you can then secretly
pay the next bill when HE's not looking. Or, if he's the
real old-fashioned type, like some American men are, he
might have the perverse response of thinking that his
manhood's been insulted. But if he's as young as in his 20s,
that's highly unlikely. So feel free to follow your normal
instincts in this regard. If you feel unsure what his
attitude might be about such things, feel free to ask him!
Direct questions rarely offend Germans (assuming the
question isn't too personal), and they're typically more
than willing to give straight-forward answers.
©
Germans and
Americans have a few different standards regarding what
constitutes "politeness". Americans tend to define
politeness in terms of "friendliness": smiling, telling
"white lies" to avoid hurting people's feelings, pretending
to like people even if we don't, saying "Hi, how are you?"
whether we really care how they are or not, etc. Germans,
however, tend to consider "respect" to be the proper way to
show "politeness", and "respect" assumes that the other
person wants an honest answer, not some pretty little "white
lie". So, if you're really wanting your ego stroked, DON'T
ask him, "So, how d'you like my new dress?" You might not
like the answer that he gives. Likewise, DON'T EVER say
anything to him "just to be nice" if you don't really mean
it; he is too likely to take you quite literally at your
word and then be terribly hurt later when he finds out that
you didn't really mean it.
©
Don't try to
make too much "chit chat" or "small talk" with him. Most
Germans know little or nothing of the art of talking about
banal, superficial topics as a way of "breaking the ice"
with new acquaintances; that custom belongs to
American-style "friendliness" and is not part of German
"respect". Germans also often react negatively to the
shallow, superficial quality of casual
friendships/acquaintanceships in the U.S., and so he might
react negatively towards you if you engage in much "light"
conversation. If you're looking for good topics for
conversation, try: politics, current events, philosophy, or
any subject he's studying in school.
©
Don't be afraid
to voice opinions that might be different from his; if your
opinion is at least logical, well-reasoned, and
well-informed, he will more likely respect you for having
your own mind, rather than be offended by you for having a
different opinion.
©
And if you
DON'T know much about international politics, news, current
events, foreign cultures, etc., then LEARN! FAST! Americans
have an international reputation for being extremely
ignorant about the rest of the world -- because most
Americans ARE ignorant! Germans, however, usually are NOT!!!
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